What Makes Kids Behave in Church.

What Makes Kids Behave in Church.

“Why is it your children behave well in church
They sit quietly on that wooden pew perch
As if their stone statues, the saints of today,
Why won’t my kids start behaving that way?”

Taken aback by the question at hand,
I answered her question so she’d understand
Why my children will listen all throughout mass
With only a question or two that they pass

From their sweet little lips to fatherly ear,
And with whispers I answer each question I hear.
In fact as a father I relish the task
Growing fearful myself with each question they ask.

“Dad, how do they make the stained glass?”
“Good Question son, I don’t mean to be crass,
But they find little boys who won’t sit and behave,
Find their bright colored toys and give them a shave.

They take these toy shavings from primary toys,
Melt them down into windows, so stop making noise.”
I’m never real sure of the questions he brings
But I’ve gotten quite good at explaining these things.

“Why do those singers keep singing so bad?”
“‘Cause God took the beautiful voices they had.
They were talking to loud during church one day,
when they should have been kneeling to quietly pray.”

“How come the other kids are eating cheerios?”
“They get one meal a week and that’s it I suppose.”
“What’s with people passing a basket full of money,
is it to take a rainy day and make it sunny?”

“You have to give up your allowance if you don’t eat all your veggies
Or they’ll hang you on the wall and you’ll have eternal wedgies
Like those statues of the saints that are wedged up on the wall
All because they didn’t eat when vegetables would call.”

The one that takes the cake though is the shark tank that they’ll fill
If they find out there’s a little boy in church that can’t sit still.
Don’t make me take you back there or the sharks might be released.
They’ll smell out misbehavior and have a cry-room feast.

7 thoughts on “What Makes Kids Behave in Church.

  1. Great one Andy! I love this short-term solution even though it probably has serious long-term side effects involving expensive therapy. Either way it’s funny and makes me feel more normal when I admire your awesome kids in church. Keep it up.

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